take me away, i need the sand and the waves.

I guess that’s a good thing really, i’ve gone back to using my original blog now, mainly this was for when i was really down before but then it just turned in to more of a ‘write pathetic posts about how much you miss him’ blog. Now i just do that on my other one again when i have to. Today i’ve signed in to here to write about something of much more importance though. I don’t like that i have a couple of my real life friends following me, i kinda wish that had never happened, because now they are, i can’t say everything i’d like to say. Like last week, two big-ish things happened but i didn’t want to write about them on there even though i did wish i could release what i felt about it. I could write about that on here now but i don’t want to. In fact i don’t really feel like it’s okay to write what i wanted to. Even though this is the tumblr none of my real-life friends know of, it still feels a bit wrong to write about somebody else’s business on here where the world can see (well, not really the world because on this blog i only have 7 followers), even if that somebody else is my mum. I just hope she’s alright, that’s all. She deserves to be happy and well and perfect, and she’d better be. I’ve tried not to let it show to her, but i am worrying. That’s all i feel like saying for now.
I might be using this blog a bit more. I’m in one of my phases where i don’t feel like posting personal things on my other blog, well actually just certain things. Like i said, having real life friends following me on there changes things.

So the other day i told my mum about my scars, she’d asked if i wanted to go swimming on the phone and i actually wouldn’t have minded going, but obviously with the scars i couldn’t just go. So when i got to hers i told her about it and she asked to see them, so i showed her and she got really upset and i felt awful. She seemed okay after a while, and we did go swimming. Was really fucking horrible though, having to tell her about that. Can never let myself do anything like that ever again.

I hate myself most for what i did when i hated myself most.

I feel really fucking lonely and you’re not here to hold me and i’m starting to wonder if you ever will be and if you even want to be. I can’t believe you’re doing this.

please please please

I just wanted to see you one more time, if i couldn’t have anything more. I just wanted to see you one more time and it would have been nice to have left you believeing we’d be together again in the end. But it seems that once again i don’t get what i want, and i don’t know if it’s my fault. I don’t know what i’ve done, if anything, and i’d really like an explanation. I really didn’t think you’d do this again.
I think i need some help. One more night and i promise i’ll get by without you, one more time then i promise your life is yours from then onwards if you want it. One more night then it’s up to you, i’ll be here waiting for you when you want me. One more night or i’ll turn myself into stone, i’ll stop loving you somehow, it seems impossible i know. I don’t know what i’m talking about, i just need you, i need your arms around me, i need your kisses on my forehead, i need you and me. I need us to be one again, even if it’s just one more time. I love you.

I love you and i need you. I need to hold you, i need to feel you near me. I need to talk to you. I just need you. I love you.

I’m scared. I’m slowly going mad and it’s at night when it’s worse and i feel like this and it gets worse and worse and i’m scared that i’m spiralling out of control. I don’t want to be out of control. I don’t want to go back there.

I just want you. Please. I can’t do this again, not yet. We haven’t even met again yet. At least give me something worth being like this over. Let me see you. Let me love you. Love me.

I love you.

How do you let go? I need to let go.

I cannot do it though. How do i let go of something that is a part of me? But are you, really? You don’t seem to care about me.

I love you, and i need to let go. Help me. One way or another help me.

Let me see you. That could go one way or the other, i could find it easier or i could find it harder. But i don’t care. I love you.
Explain why you’re doing this again, just explain. Please. You know how much i love you and you know everything. You are everything. I just wish you let me know that i was something to you. Just something.
Anything would be enough.

iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou

if only love was ever enough.

i just want you. promise me i’ll get you one day. promise me.

I’m scared. I keep getting so close to doing it again but i haven’t and i want to but i don’t. Well i don’t want to, i just have the urge to. And it scares me and this all scares me. Feeling like this scares me. Being a human scares me. Loving scares me. Everything scares me. And now staying awake scares me. I need to do something because so far tonight i’ve done nothing, art work i mean. But the longer i stay up the more likely it will become. I can’t see me doing any work. I’m too tired. I’m getting in to this state of mind again and i really don’t like it. It really fucking scares me. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t know who to talk to and i don’t know how to make it better. I don’t want to feel like this.